Relationality, Hope, and the New Year from a CPTSD Survivor to Thriver

by Sybil Sanchez

In the quote above, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (z”l, of blessed memory), former Chief Rabbi of the UK, talks about the following in terms of what we say in our prayers that 'averts the evil decree' during the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement:

1.    Universe (tefillah, prayer)

2.    Self (tshuva, penitence)

3.    Community (tzedakah, charity - though this word can also translate as righteousness or justice)

Whether you believe in G-d, a Higher Power, the Universe, or just in seeking to be your better, higher self, engaging with these three levels of relationality can create meaningful, sustainable change.

I've written in recent years about my health journey. Much of it is now focused on relationality and inter-relationality. Anyone dealing with complex ptsd knows that it's a relational disorder, as it comes about through relational harm, often in childhood.

How we relate both to ourselves and to others on a day-to-day level has a lot to do with our autonomic nervous system. This system is responsible for reflexive systems within the body, like breathing and digestion. It's basically how stress or relaxation come to be manifested physically.

Why? Well, that autonomic nervous system is connected to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, the four known trauma responses to stimuli. When we live in a balanced relation to ourselves, others, and G-d or a sense of higher meaning, regardless of religion, we are more able to focus on calming those 4F responses and switching on our rest and digest system. When we live in threat by stimuli, we are either consciously or subconsciously afraid of our relationships, and we are thus more likely to be switching on the enervated 4F responses, which in turn can interact with illness in the body.

According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) study, which tracks childhood adverse experiences and health and wellness, nearly all of us went through something traumatic in childhood, but some of us have higher scores than others (🤚🏼). Regardless, to be human is to have the 4F response embedded within us and to have to navigate that in how we relate to others. We call a balanced internal response to relationality ‘regulation’, which is reflected in our thoughts, feelings, and physicality.

Today, more than ever, we see and feel threat. It’s endemic in the news and the algorithms that feed us news posts; it’s embedded in the civil and religious tribalism that hums an ever-stronger current of potential unrest; it’s pervasive.

Rabbi Sacks tells us that even if change is not immediate, engaging with our relationships on these three levels is the path forward. Interestingly, he cites our relationship with G-d and prayers first. I generally think in a different order, as I imagine that many of us in this self-centered, self-isolated, digital world are inclined to do. My instinctive order would be self, others, and then G-d/The Universe/Higher Power/Higher Meaning.

Being a multilayered thinker, I might add, I tend to think of all four of those definitions in relation to one another, each being different facets of the same thing. In this respect, I embrace ambiguity rather than pursue a finite definition for myself. That’s what works for me.

Maybe along with the fact that he’s a rabbi referring to a religious tradition, this is why Sacks sites G-d first. Regardless of the names or the faces of this ambiguous multifaceted Higher Meaning, what I find essential to seeking Higher is hope. For me, without a sense of Higher Meaning, there is no hope. Without hope, it’s very hard to navigate toward understanding, relationality, or change.

As per my ACES score and continued chronic health challenges, I’ve had my share of hardness in life. And I know that will continue because life is hard, and life right now for the world is hard, with little promise of anything easing up and much fear of it all worsening. But finally understanding how to hope and how to embrace change and challenges compassionately makes me feel lighter. It makes me able to honor this literal and figurative pain of being without indulging in woe or suffering.

Believing that these values and perspectives matter and having the capacity to seek to move the needle in my life is also part of what defines hope for me. Sometimes, for me, it’s about maintaining my regulation rather than advancing in my performance or productivity but keeping these three layers of interrelational frameworks in mind makes that feel ok. I no longer rely quite so heavily on the transaction of performance or productivity to justify my sense of purpose, being, or even self-esteem.

If the one thing I continue growing this year is compassion and connection in each of these relational realms – Higher Meaning, Self, and Others, let that be enough. Thanks to Rabbi Sacks for this framework and to my friend Vicky, who initially shared his wise words with me.

Shana Tova and may this New Year bring good things for all of us.

Sybil Sanchez Kessler is a functional medicine health coach and marketing consultant for startups, small businesses, solopreneurs, and others. Sybil lives in Mexico City with her spouse, daughter, and two dogs. You can find her on instagram and Linkedin.